Holding Out for a Guarantee
by sbrianson
Summary: Sirius is ready to go further, but Remus isn't so sure. He knows he wants this, but something is holding him back. Slash.


"Holding Out for a Guarantee"

Pairing: Remus Lupin / Sirius Black

Rating: "M" – for language and homosexual relations

DISCLAIMER: This story is fictional – that's F-I-C-T-I-O-N. It never happened, and is not real. It is the product of my own imagination. It contains descriptions of male slash (that's male/male homosexual relations). If you do not like this type of content, or if you find homosexuality or its practice offensive, please click the "Back" button or close your Internet browser NOW, and do not read any further. All characters and copyrights are owned by J.K Rowling and Warner Brothers™ (AOL Time Warner), but this story is owned by me and is all my own work.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic was inspired by a song, "I Will Love You", written by Kathy Fisher and Ron Wasserman.

* * *

DEDICATION: To my dear friends, Rebekkah and Roxanne. For their support and kindness, they have helped me more than they will ever know. Keep dancing, take a chance, and don't let each other go.

* * *

It was a simple request. Natural, really, if you thought about it. After all, they _had_ been together for a year now. And it wasn't as if Remus didn't _want_ to. It was just that sex was a pretty big step. An extremely _large_ step, in his opinion. One of the "biggies". Sex was right up there with marriage, and having children.

For the last three nights, it had been the same. Sirius would climb into bed with him, but instead of kissing him goodnight, the dark-haired boy would turn to him and ask him if he wanted to have sex that night. And each time, Remus had grown scared, and replied in the negative. At the rejection, Sirius would simply kiss him goodnight as normal, cuddle up to him, and fall asleep. Just as he had done for the last four months when they had started to share a bed.

Each request, however had frightened Remus. Not at the thought of what was _physically_ involved – no! he knew about all _that_! – but at the other aspect of it all. Sex, to Remus, was more than just certain body parts and certain orifices saying "hello" to each other, and more than a physical connection between two people. It was _certainly_ more than simple pleasure. It was, even, more than the tired and old (but still very true) cliché of two people being as close as possible to each other. It was an emotional bond, the biggest declaration of love and affection that one could make to a person. It was an act shared by two people who loved each other so much that words simply could no longer describe it.

Sirius obviously felt that they were ready to take their relationship up to the next level. But Remus wasn't so sure that _he_ was ready to do just that. It wasn't as if he didn't love Sirius enough to do it. Because he did.

He loved him with all his heart, and more. And he knew that he always would. Everyone always said that Sirius and James were soul mates; brothers, even. But James, Peter and Lily, the only people who knew of Remus and Sirius's relationship, would disagree. If Sirius had a soul mate, it was Remus Lupin. Closer than a mother and her child, kindred spirits, they belonged together. Even Peter had agreed, and he fully admitted knowing next to nothing when it came to the ranks of love himself.

Soul mates, in love…

Remus loved Sirius so hard that it made him feel sick when they were apart, even for a few seconds. But the prospect of them having sex scared him, well… scared him shitless, to be honest. He had heard too many horror stories of men who were only out to get one thing and as soon as the wicked deed was done then they would scarper off in search of their next conquest, leaving the used party sobbing, humiliated and heartbroken. He couldn't let that happen to him; he couldn't join the ranks of the used and soiled ex-playthings. He _wouldn't_ let that happen…

He just needed that reassurance, that final proof of commitment. Some sort of guarantee. If he could know, somehow, that Sirius would _not_ leave him afterwards, or brag and boast about his latest fuck, or would not simply take advantage of him… If he just knew that, he would; without the slightest hesitation.

To most people, sex was sex. But Remus thought differently. Maybe it was because he read more than most people, or was just more sensitive, or perhaps being a werewolf had made him more philosophical – lycanthropy can do that to a person – but to Remus, there were several different kinds of sex. There was lovemaking. There was the quickie. There was a good shag. There was even the little "arrangement" between two very trusting and close friends. And there was fucking. Sex could be purely physical, for relieving certain… "tensions" – or it could be very emotional. He was scared, he figured, of it becoming just a cheap fuck, that didn't really mean anything. And he didn't want that.

Not for his first time. He didn't think he was prepared to take that chance.

But if they would be making love, if he just _knew_ that Sirius felt the same way about him… If he could _guarantee_ that Sirius would always love him, always be there, no matter what… That would be different.

* * *

That night, Sirius climbed into the small four-poster bed with Remus, performing the same nocturnal ritual as he had for the last four months. He leant in towards his boyfriend and whispered

"Remus?"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to have sex tonight?"

"No." Remus replied.

"Okay. Goodnight, love," Sirius whispered back, and snuggled up to him, preparing for sleep. Remus took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and said

"I don't want to have sex tonight, Sirius. But I would like to make love…"

Sirius looked up at him.

"Are you sure? You don't have to, you know. Not if you don't w-" but he never finished his sentence, because his lips had, without warning, become preoccupied with Remus's own. And they kissed, softly, tenderly, lovingly. And it was then that Remus knew that he did not have to be scared that Sirius would not be there for him afterwards, that he would just walk away… It was not a guarantee, for he now realised that he would never get one. But maybe no guarantee, not even the strongest, most reliable guarantee in the world would ever have been good enough.

'He'll still be here afterwards. I know he will,' he thought, as he felt Sirius's hand snaking down between his legs. And it could have been love, or lust, or a mixture of the two, or probably just the delicious feeling that Sirius's hand was giving him, that made him think that maybe he didn't need a guarantee after all, maybe he just needed to take a chance…

* * *

Some time later, Remus found himself lying in bed, with his Sirius curled up by his side, arms wrapped around his waist, head resting on his chest, asleep. It had been magical; heavenly, even. Aside from the pain he felt at first. But that hadn't mattered. He had been taken away from this world with the feeling, the indescribable, unbeatable, wonderful feeling it had given him. Not from the actual act itself, but from its _closeness_, from the emotional bond created between them during it.

At the thought that it was Sirius, _his_ Sirius, who had been inside him.

And it hadn't left. Just like Sirius, that bond and that thought had not left him. They were still there.

There are only ever two things in life that can be guaranteed; a beginning, and an ending. It is the bit in between that is unpredictable, that bit which is scary, and unknown. But it is that bit in between that counts, and makes us who we are. Life is short, and life is fragile. And sometimes there is only one thing that you can do. Sometimes, all you can do is to take a chance…

'Love is not guaranteed', Remus thought. 'It just comes to you, if you are lucky. And I _was_ lucky – love came to me, and I caught hold of it. And I'm never going to let go of it.'


End file.
